hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
