ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
