OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
