Who wears a wallet chain?!
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
