I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
the day after is always just damage control
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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