Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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