i already hear my dad disowning me
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
