I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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