maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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