I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
