Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize