Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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