fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
