I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
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