I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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