Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
