Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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