onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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