who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Can I color on your dick again?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
