What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
