Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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