Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize