We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
