I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
