We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
