i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
