You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
