i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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