You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
