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• (636): View more from Missouri

  On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"

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• (301): View more from Maryland

  He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"

  (1-301): View more from Maryland

  Soulmates.

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• (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!

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• (201): View more from New Jersey

  You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.

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• (613): View more from Ontario

  I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.

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• (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.

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• (815): View more from Illinois

  I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.

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• (540): View more from Virginia

  So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...

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• (214): View more from Texas

  I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay

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• (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.

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• (320): View more from Minnesota

  Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs

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• (402): View more from Nebraska

  I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home

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• (561): View more from Florida

  Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car

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• (520): View more from Arizona

  Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.

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• (813): View more from Florida

  Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.

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