My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
