Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
