I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm passing your future prison.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
