I have demons in me.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Randomize
