I wish my penis had an off switch
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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