YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
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