I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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