Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
