we have pet lesbian snakes
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
