I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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