I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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