Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize