my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
