based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
