if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
