A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Floor bacon is actually really good
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
