You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
