my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
