ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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