Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
