Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
