Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Randomize
