After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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