i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
