Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
