Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
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