on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
